For The Best
by sophiainterrupted
Summary: She already had an answer before he asked her. One-shot. Takes places after Chasing Pavements Part Two.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, its characters, and the title of this story by Gregory and The Hawk**

**Author's Note: I'm not sure where all these sad one shots are coming from... Maybe it's from reflecting from past rejections. Anyway, let me know what you think.**

He was walking me back to my place when he proposed it. "Ponder," Adam said with an unfamiliar softness. "Ponder – play with it a bit," he continued while making gestures his long fingers, showing me a visual of what I should do with the _"it" _he spoke of. By "it" he meant dating, and I dating whom? Well, him of course.

I smiled without showing my teeth at him and I replied, "Ponder? You sound so old;" with a small laugh of gratification.

"Well, I'm trying to sound wise here," he defended with a chuckle in his voice, a small attempt to hide his corroding confidence. "Plus, it's kinda hard when I'm talking to a lovely girl especially one I'm asking out – Again," he continued. He said it so quickly I hardly caught it – and his suave compliment.

"You said you were kidding last time!" I retorted amusedly but with a hidden hesitation. Last time didn't go so well. When he had asked me again, the memory of our earlier dating history - his outburst which prompted the sudden realization that he was in fact a boy and I was a lesbian and its lethal combination with my issues revealed itself again, and it had caused me to push him away. Days after the incident, Eli explained that Adam was just kidding, but I felt that there was something more he wasn't telling me. Despite this I didn't ask him, fearing what the revelation might cause to my friendship with Adam. His friendship mattered to me – it was a reminder that sometimes good things can happen to me with a fresh start, which is why to this day we remain so close…

"Well maybe just dinner – nothing fancy – you could go wearing a sheet with a hole for your head and it'll still be a date, and it'll be a great one at that," he explained, convincing me with his humor. And apparently for him, not close enough…

The night shrouds over us, but the lamp post nearby made it possible to see our figures, a half-light revealing him my countenance and made sure I saw his. A car passes by and its light revealed to me piercing blue eyes filled with desperation and reluctance to crumble. His face is calm but his eyes say otherwise. It's so quiet as if time had stopped. I blink and his confidence is breaking by the second. I open my mouth and his faith is escaping. Finally I give him a small smirk and agreed, "Ponder? I'll do it."

Adam smiled brightly but quickly toned it down. "Wow, alright. Uh cool," he responded while nodding his head. His nervousness amuses me as always and we decide to end the night with him walking back to Eli's house and myself to my suite. When we reached my door, I turned to him and said, "Thanks for walking me home, you didn't have to."

"Thanks for agreeing to think about dating…me," he replied with a kind smile while he said the last part breathlessly. He starts walking away but before he went far I said loudly, "Just as long as you don't nag me about it," with humor, but I meant what I said. Hopefully he understands.

He turned around while walking backwards and shrugged his shoulders, "Hey! I never nag," he retorted with a wink, and he faced front again. I smile faintly and watch him disappear. I unlock my door and enter my suite. While leaning on my door, my smile flattered and I whisper, "I'm sorry." I shouldn't be making promises I couldn't keep – I shouldn't lie.

I shouldn't be leading him on.

I've already done my pondering. We can't be together. It would ruin what we have now like it did before.

I feel something thorny coil around my heart, tightening until I feel the brutal pain. This pain makes its way down my lungs, making every breath I take hurt. My own respiratory system is going against me – disciplining me.

This is what guilt feels like.


End file.
